My Dearest Son,
I’m sitting here in my hotel room, trying to imagine how I’m
going to hug you good bye in just a few days. I’m wondering how time has
passed so quickly – I’m wondering how I could have taken for granted the last
10 years. Funny thing when your kids leave the nest……you suddenly replay
every decision, every conversation, every great memory and you realize that you
took it all for granted. I heard a saying yesterday…….”the days seemed so
long but in retrospect the years were so short”. It was profound for me
to hear that because it sums up so perfectly all the emotions that I feel right
now. There were a lot of days (and there still are those days) when I was
counting down the seconds until bed time…..praying that for just a couple of
minutes I could enjoy some peace and quiet before getting ready for the next
day’s marathon.
No one tells you how hard it is to be a parent – you never
feel like you’ve done enough – every failure is a direct reflection on your
parenting or lack of – every victory seems to be in spite of the work you’ve
put in. Parents, at least the good ones, never feel like they’ve done
enough. They question every decision, every punishment, every “no you
can’t hang out with that kid”. There are a lot of nights that you go to
bed and cry because, when you have a child, this world suddenly becomes
terrifying. When I was 18 I remember driving too fast, acting soooooo
stupid, being out all hours of the night – I was invincible and besides, even
if something happened to me, I had no obligations. Then I got married and
became a mom and suddenly there was a bad guy around every corner, I had to
lock the doors and I watched the news with such intent because suddenly the bad
stuff was in my backyard.
The truth is, no parent is perfect and none of us get it
right all the time. The best we can hope for is that our kid doesn’t grow
up to be a cross dresser on a Judge Judy when they are grown…..just
kidding! Really, the greatest gift a parent can ever receive is seeing
their child flourish and turn in to the person that you always knew they
were. That person that we saw behind the awkward teenager who hated
everything – the adult that we caught a glimmer of even when they accidentally
wrecked their mom’s car J - the
amazing son/future husband/future father that would emerge as they continued to
find their own path throughout life.
You have become the man that I always knew you were – one
that I am proud of and honored to call my son. I remember telling you one
year that things like band banquets were the cherry on the top for parents – I
couldn’t have been more wrong. Band banquets have nothing on this – there
aren’t words to really convey what I feel – the gratitude at being your mom,
the humbleness at being chosen to parent you, the joy in watching you spread
your wings, the sorrow in knowing that you won’t be sitting at the dinner table
every night, the pride in watching you be the man that I always knew you’d
be. I never doubted for one moment that you would be someone great – that
you would change the world because, you changed me.
You are amazing – not just because you’re mine but because
you are smart and kind and good and humble and gracious and
compassionate. Because you forgive and love and laugh and cry with those
that mean the most to you. Because you are a hero – you’re my hero.
Never forget that – never forget that I love you – NO MATTER WHAT. No matter
where you are there will always be a light on for you at home – there will
always be a place for you if you need it. You will go far and do amazing
things – you will change lives just by being you. You will bring joy and
you will ease other’s fear and sorrow – because that is who you are. You
are a leader, you are a strong man, a man of integrity and character. You
will change the world – you will be a giant.
Remember you are and always will be my greatest blessing and
my hero. I love you with all my heart and then some. I believe in
you and while I can’t physically be with you, there will never be one moment
when you aren’t in my heart and in my prayers. I can’t wait to hear about
your adventures and see all that God has for you. Dad and I are more
proud of you than you will ever know. We love you so much – don’t ever
forget that.
Love,
Mom
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